dont open your eyes, you wont like what you see

i feel.. rejected. and stupid. and thats stupid. ive heard so many people say that they cant stand it when others talk only about themselves. do you know it feels to realize that you've been talking about nothing other than yourself? its a shitty feeling-- trust me. my words are annoying, even to myself. yet, i feel like i have no one to truly vent to. i feel like i havent vented enough. i go from one shitty situation to the next. its a never ending cycle that i fear will never end. the constant nauseausness has to end somewhere. right??

"im caught between what you wanted from me and knowing that if i give that to you-- you might just disappear"

i just dont wanna be alone anymore. you may think i havent beem.. but even in a room full of people- feeling alone is as easy as breathing. i keep thinking where i went wrong.. when did i lose so much control.. when i wasnt able to change his mind anymore.. when did i stop being good enough? no matter what i do anymore- nothing changes. it hurts to walk away.. yet it hurts being there too. its a lose- lose. it fucking sucks. but ive learned to deal with it.

today was the only easy day ive had out of the last 4 months. i was waiting for it to all go wrong. and it did. when is that going to stop happening? its getting easier for me to accept things i dont want to accept. thats not supposed to happen.

i seriously need a place to put my head.

"you sing a sad song just to turn it around"

its a quarter after one and im a little drunk and i need you now

"if you play, you play for keeps. take a gun and count to three"

bad days occur more and more regularly anymore. you get away from the things that bring you down-- yet you're still stuck in a depressed state of mind. you start to forget about the things you wanted so badly to get away from, and all you think about is the things you miss the most. all those memories get scattered around like dirt and you're no longer able to hold them in your hands. self control is a hard thing to have when you dont even want to have it. it makes the battle against your feeling nearly impossible to win.

i dont know how im still fighting this.

"i said i wouldnt call but im a little drunk and i need you now"

a new start.

thats what this is going to be- no one telling me what i cant write. no one criticizing everything i say.. or dont say for that matter. this will be me.. stripped.